Week 12

I think I must admit that consistency is NOT one of my strengths.  I'm still struggling to keep up with this blog.  I'm committed, though!  Even if I miss a week (or two, or three) I want to try to see it through.  I'm determined.

I think what really motivated me to post tonight was some research I've done over the last few days.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have to wonder about the possibility of being addicted to food.  Addiction is definitely an issue in my family - alcoholic grandparents, a chain-smoking father and brother, and I went through my own addiction to cigarettes in my 20's.  That thought prompted me to visit the amazing Pinterest and search "food addiction" and see what popped up.  A lot of it was mumbo jumbo in my opinion - "Distract yourself from food in these 50 ways!" Pah!  It's not about distraction.  It's about self-medicating with food.  It's about eating a whole bag of chips because an awful parent sent an awful email.  It's about drowning in a container of ice cream because we're so behind on our finances.  There's no chance of distraction there.  It's about a serious emotional connection to eating.

I did find something that seemed relevant, though.  It started with this article.  The article gave some great insight into food addiction and I really resonated with the 8 signs of food addiction.  So I kept reading all the way to the end where it talks about getting help.  It lists a few websites that deal with food addiction and for whatever reason, Food Addicts Anonymous stood out to me - probably because of the name.

I visited the website, which is pretty basic, but also resonated with me.  I started with the "Are You a Food Addict?" page and decided that, yes, I am leaning more and more towards calling myself a food addict.  I looked for a local meeting, but there isn't one.  Their other two options are phone in meetings and email meetings.  I think the introvert in me kicked in and I decided that the email loop would be less daunting.  I signed up and have lurked in the wings for a few days now, still being introverted and too nervous to throw myself out there.  I do have to cut myself some slack though and admit that I have a million questions about the program and the email loop that are not easy to answer using the website or the group page.  That means I will have to work myself up to asking someone.  The thought makes me cringe, so it might take a few days.

Aside from my need to get over myself in regard to jumping in feet first, I am not entirely sold on their premise.  Abstinence is their answer.  Committing to never again have sugar, wheat or flour (here's where my questions bubble up - why are wheat and flour separate?  Any flour? Coconut flour? Almond flour?)  I know when I quit smoking, abstinence was the answer.  I was never a once-in-awhile smoker.  I was either a non-smoker or a two-pack-a-day smoker.  There was no in between for me.  Maybe there is no in between with sugar, wheat and flour, either.  I have to wrap my brain around that idea.  It means never having birthday cake on my birthday again.  It means never having mac'n'cheese again.  At least with Whole 30, those are possibilities.

So the big question becomes, can I go for the rest of my life without these things?  Is it worth it?  My answer right now is, I Don't Know.  I need to research more and delve more into the FAA materials.  I will keep you posted.

Week 10

I want so badly to start this by building a framework of excuses.  I've been so busy.  I've been tired and not feeling well.  I let my husband talk me into cheating.  I'm tired of the program.  Blah, blah, blah.

Let me just be straight.  I am two weeks late with my post.  And I CHEATED.  Yes, I said it.  I cheated on the program.  I wanted to go for a full 365 days with no slip ups.  The reality is, I think I was looking for an excuse to cheat.  I've been staring hard at things I know I can't have.  Not really having those cheater dreams that make you wake up hating yourself, but the wide awake awareness of wanting something else.  Wanting something off program.  Then someone brought doughnuts to work.  Ugh.  My kryptonite.

I can't say what this means.  It makes me think that my body feels it's missing out on something.  Or maybe it's the cravings controlling my sub-conscience.  That's probably more likely.  My plan is to keep going.  I'm not going to let one slip up stop me.  I'm just going to keep evaluating what I've experienced so far and hope that I can get to the heart of what's going on with my body.

On another note, I think Sunday/Monday is the worst time of the week for my to sit down and write.  I'm going to shift to Saturday and see how that works.  I never feel like I have enough time to dedicate to writing on Sunday and Monday.  Maybe that will be different on Saturdays.  Wish me luck!